About Life

I’m writing this to answer a note from my dear friend who asked me a recipe to stay positive facing a big problem and not knowing which way to choose to overcome it. Hehehe dear, really, it is not because it’s Sunday, but because somehow we have the same feeling of “standing on another crossroad but not convinced which one of life's decision to be taken”. Easy life is once in my wish list, but here I will share with you why it’s not there any more and why now to certain extend people seeing me has “positive capacity in facing negative response” – it’s a phrase my boss recently put in my evaluation.

I had the same wish that my life is easy, even it was against all logic. But now, "just being alive" have taught me that my life is indeed easy and I should never stop hoping for a better life for a one reason, because I have Jesus. It changed how I see life and my view of life. Most important change was I have no fear of my future because He has promised. I thank Him for giving that “gift” when I was quite young (October 1993: now has been past 18 years since then), and for sure it is long before I have close contact with "money".

My life still not "look" easy though and seems like I keep falling. At times I felt that I was falling, I ask God, "Hey You there, if You really love me as been said, then why You "let" me fall? Don’t You, with Your almighty power, can stop that storm so I did not have to scare to death? Why You let me fall in love to this guy and not other for me might now have a happily married life as some lucky others enjoys? with kids! Why I have to work for money that has not meant for me in reality? Why, in addition to the hurdle, why can't I get the money as easy as other who even could spend it in their irresponsible manners? Why am I less than them and how come you could trust them, please explain!

Then, after come to so many why questions and I don’t have enough voice to speak it over loudly, I’m so damn sure that it won’t stop there, and … just now one happened, “Why I have to "let" others win over me, and it is true for the vice-versa, why don’t You make others to "letting" me win?”.

After miraculously saved from a car accident back in 1997, I asked ”Why You saved me from being injured as it was not very logic to happen?” After my car was hit continuously by 12 others cars & busses, only then You sent the last car to rolled my car from a dead-end “jurang” back to the road and lastly hit a power box before it completely stop and end me in a voiceless cry. Even the insurance company appraisal noted a 95% car damage that entitles us to get a new car as a replacement! Against logic to everyone there, no single scratch on me, and neither Abang. The police and people voice kept whispering in my head that we were saved only by miracle. I was on my way back to Cikampek where I have my thesis and about two months to my final university exam. Every time I recall on this, I only believe that I was saved only by the grace.

Crossroads keep coming to my life, are underway and may never stop coming into my life until time You call me home. During those time when I stand unprepared helpless not knowing what to do and how, I always feel sad and deeply hurt! I always (!) then disclose my weakness to them I do care, that is crying. I hate it and keep asking “Where was she in me, a girl who couldn’t cry as once there before?”

My love ones hate my "kecengengan" and hate it to the max. They kept reminding me that "Hey, you had overcame a much bigger problems than this before!" It is true that I’m so determined. I always limit "the audience" of my kecengengan only to a very limited number of people that called – the circle of trust – whom I can trust to see that "kecengengan" inside a strong woman they see appears outside. Improvements to shorten the impact time are on its way, but I realize that I have to work more-than-twice hard as possible compared the opposite effort past ~19 years ago (wow, high school was just a memory!).

Results clearly towards a promising future... now, I’m a big girl hehehe, recent song of my fave, Fergie with title “Big Girls Don't Cry”, become a mantra…

I hope you know, I hope you know

That this has nothing to do with you

It's personal, myself and I

We've got some straightenin' out to do

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket

But I’ve got to get a move on with my life

Its time to be a big girl now, and big girls don't cry (forever)

The path that I'm walking,I must go alone

I must take the baby steps until I'm full-grown

Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?

And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

I need to be with myself instead of calamity.

Peace, Serenity

Still, there were times that don’t have that peace and serenity I dream of. Times when I feel just too tired to fight, tired of being different, tired of being me, tired being treated unfair, tired of being obliged to survive. I had times feeling that You, God, do not love me that “much”, do not have “that unconditional love”. I sometimes thought that You might has fulfilled the obligation of “the mission” and have given me enough for me should stop now from asking for more.

But bear with me that I will I never regret for keep ask You for “too” much, and sould not sit back for enough. You were The One who has created me with this perseverance attitude, so I guess, by-You-did-so I may have enough reserve energy no to pass through this, and not to be discouraged to ask for more and more. I believe, if You once “correct” and have created with Your own hands for me to be born in 27^th August 1975 in my family, then You would give me that steadfast attitude to “hanging there” patiently for You to hint Your direction according to Your will.

There would always be another crossroad wait for me. There would always be times that I ended up making a wrong decision! Worse enough that sometimes I fell even when I thought of having taken a good decision such a decision that “not put me at the one who benefit the most”. I fell when decided to say "after you” only to find that the guy quickly forget of me who used to bring that far. There were times I shouted “Hay Jesus, “what do You want from me?"

At times I want to give up and about to loose my faith and my last energy to survive, I realize that only then I am able to gain it back and move on. Against all logic, against all people says and experiences, I found that You reached me and lift me from falling too deep (some times, just before “my” basement line!). Okay I cannot lie, it’s proven that at many difficult times in my life, when I feel that I have used up my energy and cannot even convince myself to stand any longer, only then there You carried me through back to the crossroads where it all started. You dropped me in the correct direction, one that I did not take. You let me continue my life's journey in “new” way with a chin up, way that I consciously did not choose to pass through. Your power helps me understand that all the best for me.

I don't fulfill some requirements. I am still using A LOT of my "logic", my young spirit, liberal thinking, my rebellion tendency, my curiosity to “taste” life. Stubborn enough, sometimes I still offer “a preferred answer to my prayer” and begging for the stamp “Approved by The Almighty”, I even bargain with you by saying “Oh God, I know that too much but... please, I beg You that I really want it”, or in other times, “Dear God, I beg you I prefer the other option and really don't want this one...”Pfff, who are you girl, back to reality and put your feet on the ground, plissss…

I find that He doesn't want me to control His will. Though I act goods but He does not count it for "something I ask for". No such rule. I admire a lot some "strong" people especially ones who are able to fulfill such requirements beyond belief. For whom know me for life, I changed a lot but wouldn't dare to say success, neither perfect, neither better than others. I may only accept “enlighten a bit" but far far away from correctness.

God sends hints. It comes through praying, through family or a friend (like you!), through unexpected even like such a line in “Ever After a.k.a Cinderella” movie: "You were born to privilege and with that comes specific obligations" that sounds repeated in “Spiderman” movie: “with great power comes great responsibility”, or through others like a quote from last Kartini's day speech taken from Ibu Mutia Hatta, "if it doesn't kill you, it will only make you stronger" (original: F.Nietzsche)... bottom line, I have to admit that He never leave me alone.

So now dear, I can only pray that you know that you are and will never alone. Life is easy, and may you soon get the gift that I already have that "my life becomes easier not by me or my brain or my personality, not by my family or my networks of KOD (kenal orang dekat), not by money I got or my work or my company, but only by the grace. That's why I am different and special. Honestly, I still find some difficulties for myself to accept this as a full package. I want some but not all, especially still confused if I have to accept all responsibilities attached. **

We just don’t realize that our lives are easy or even deny it just because we're busy of wanting other's people's lives, others that we though having one better than ours. I thank God for chances to learn "how to life", for opportunity to “live the fullest life” and for “never feel bored of my life even when I was alone”. I also thank all people in my life (including you!) who take a part in my journey that contribute of making me love my life to the fullest. Only by the grace that as time goes by He carries and shows us "LIFE 101", and only then our life becomes easier."

Ca yo... I want to see that smile back on you dear!

BELEPOTAN

Dearest sista,

I told you what had happened to me lately and how it hurt me much. Only after I thought that I passed a “hurricane”, another “storm” hit me right away last Thursday unexpectedly. I stunt and don’t know whom to speak about this but her (you know who).

On Friday, we spent 6 (SIX) hours sharing stories of our lives until past 11PM ! Can't believe how she turned down many calls. Not to make her a hero of the situation, but that conversation of two woman whose many same traits, same star, same "love" object, and experienced many similar childhood events, was like a “quantum-leap” movie as I see myself in 15 years to come in front of me. But I am sure that I could be much better because I am God's daughter! Hahaha

Couple months I was on the crossroads, plus last Thursday I felt that I took a wrong decision. Why He “lets” me fall (ihiks... it doesn’t kill me but make me stronger... ihiks, babak belur... ihiks sakkkiiiittttttttt), but now I see: thankfully this time I don’t have to wait too long, this afternoon He speaks to me through “Abraham’s Promise”.

It was not coincidence that I sent you that sms this afternoon. He chose us, not we chose Him. “Aku mengenalmu sejak di kandungan ibumu” - “Aku mengetahui setiap helai rambutmu yg jatuh” - “Kujaga seperti biji mataku” - ... We’re not perfect sista, may never until maranatha or He call us home - whichever come first.

Sometime we helpless and don't know which way to take or just don’t want to take the “right” way we know. But He knows what best for us.

When you fall, never give up try to stand up again. You may loosing your energy and faith, but as footprints in the sand if we believe, He will carry us. Just Believe sister, God loves you “much more that you think He does”. I know, it is sometimes very difficult but we're never alone. Pray for me too.

BElieve, Love, Eat, Pray, wOrk ‘Till marANatha... (BELEPOTAN)

Gros Bisous, Artha

Bukan Supersetarr...

Ku bukan superstar kaya dan terkenal
Ku bukan saudagar yang punya banyak kapal
Ku bukan bangsawan, ku bukan priyayi
Ku hanyalah orang yang ingin dicintai

Haa haa haaa… Haa haa haaa…

Kamu bukan super, kamu bukan setar
Kalo digabungin kamu bukan supersetarr..
Ku bukan bangsawan, ku bukan priyayi
Ku hanyalah orang yang ingin dicintai
Haa haa haaa… Haa haa haaa

Ya ampunnn lagi2 deh Project Pop bikin gw ketawa2 sendiri di jalanan... kocak abeees...
Di lagu ini ada penyanyi2 yg lagi ngetop akhir2 ini... "ya iyalah, masa ya iya dong..."
Boleh lah dicatet buat souvenir of 2008... hahaha...  ini lirik lagu selengkapnya :

Andai aku Pasha Ungu
semua wanita kan memburuku
Bila aku Ariel Peterpan
kau yakin ngefans karena urang keren

Sexy badannya.. Mulan Jameela
cantiknya dia seperti aku
Giring Nidji sahabat aku
dekat denganku.. dialah aku..

Tapi kenyataan aku bukan siapa-siapa
kuingin engkau mencintaiku apa adanya

Ku bukan superstar kaya dan terkenal
Ku bukan saudagar yang punya banyak kapal
Ku bukan bangsawan, ku bukan priyayi
Ku hanyalah orang yang ingin dicintai

Haa haa haaa… Haa haa haaa…

Andai ku Letto wis pasti aku wong jowo
Tapi kenyataan aku bukan siapa-siapa
kuingin engkau mencintaiku apa adanya

Ku bukan superstar kaya dan terkenal
Ku bukan saudagar yang punya banyak kapal
Ku bukan bangsawan, ku bukan priyayi
Ku hanyalah orang yang ingin dicintai

Kata orang ku mirip Glenn Fredly
suara merdu, wanita jatuh hati
Namun semua itu hanya mimpi bagimu woohoo

Jadi… semua itu hanya mimpi?
Ya iya laah… masya ya iya dong
duren aja dibelah bukan dibedong

Ku bukan superstar kaya dan terkenal
Ku bukan saudagar yang punya banyak kapal
Ku bukan bangsawan, ku bukan priyayi
Ku hanyalah orang yang ingin dicintai

Kamu bukan super, kamu bukan setar
Kalo digabungin kamu bukan supersetarr..
Ku bukan bangsawan, ku bukan priyayi
Ku hanyalah orang yang ingin dicintai
Haa haa haaa… Haa haa haaa…

Kocak-kocak ya liriknya .. huehehehe 

breeze

What am I thinking today? I'm so damn tired. A good book about peaceful spaces about zen living can't take away the stress from my body.

Indeed I'm on leave, but I've got lot things to do and seems that I have to set the pace a little bit slower for others (as I normally trying to do but really! not an easy thing for me)

Yesterday I had a meeting. I ok'd a business meeting during my leave (what a surprise!), but it was worth it. I've been inspired from the meeting. I like the idea. It energized me. Can't wait to get it done.

Hmmm, long way to go.

Sure bumps are waiting along the way forward.

Resistance. "sirik"ance. and worst (hope not!) back stabbers.... but, gal' try to be ready for the worst!

I am trained to think a contingency plan. Some cases it can be very expensive, however I'm convinced that there some cases just are inevitable must have a contingency plan.

i think i will go to the dragonfly party tonight. too tired to think, just enjoy.

Now I hold my head up high

In life we must be a little nuts, otherwise it will be just a bunch of people live bored together. (Beau Borroughs' script, "Rumor has it" movie)

First I was afraid, I was petrified
I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong and I learned how to carry on

I will survive as long as I know how to love
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
I know I will stay alive

It took all the strength I had, just not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my heart
and I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry

Now I hold my head up high

Yah kalimat2 di atas adalah saduran bebas dari Lagu "I will survive" yg dipopulerkan Gloria Gaynor. Lagu itu sengaja gw pilih untuk menjadi peringatan gw untuk memulai kembali menulis di blog ini.

Blog ini penuh kenangan akan perjalanan seorang anak manusia yg berusaha mengenal dirinya. Ia mendapati banyak kekurangan, menyadari dan menerimanya dengan legowo, ihiks. Namun ia tidak mau memperbesar kekurangan tersebut, melainkan berusaha menggunakan kekuatan yg dimilikinya. Ia mencoba tertatih2... terjatuh, mencoba kembali... terjatuh. 

Selama beberapa bulan yg lalu untuk menulis pun gw tidak mau. gw memilih untuk diam dan introspeksi diri. Gw berusaha mecoba mengerti apa yg terjadi. Yg gw tahu apa yg terjadi di sekeliling gw adalah refleksi dari apa yg memang sudah digariskan dan harus terjadi sesuai dengan rencanaNya. Tapi, apa daya?

I will survive as long as I know how to love
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
I know I will stay alive

Whatever, I enjoy the life I live in!

Sultan Yogya

nonton wawancara versi lengkap andy dengan sultan. ademmmmm

Akhirnya

Minggu ini pertama kalinya gw ke Balikpapan dalam tahun ini... hmm, cukup lama ya :-)
dan gw nikmatin banget hi-speed internet hotel bluesky nih, buktinya blogspot bisa cepet banget, sesuatu yg akhir2 ini gak bisa gw lakukan di Jakarta :=(

Sambil browsing gw denger PM Jepang, Abe, PM yg pernah ngomong,"Wanita hanyalah alat untuk melahirkan anak" itu mengundurkan diri...
apa artinya?
- bursa Jepang langsung drop
- gimana yah pembukaan jsx besok?
- terus kabar EPA dengan Indonesia gimana yah

huahahaha... kejauhan neng, akhirnya bisa online aja udah seneng....

Gempa! Gempa!

Tuuh kan terjadi jg gempa yg pernah gw bayangin bisa saja terjadi saat gw di apartemen. Kemarin siang baru aja gw "menikmati" senangnya Jakarta saat kota ini lebih sepi dari biasanya. Kesenangan itu tidak bisa bertahan walau satu hari saja. Tengah malam terjadi gempa, dan gw di lantai 15!

Sebenarnya lebih tepat gw bilang kalo awalnya gw gak ngeh ada gempa. Kira2 lewat tengah malam mesin cuci gw tepat at the last cycle yaitu spinning untuk proses pengeringan terakhir. Pas gw berasa ada yg goyang, gw sempat berpikir "ah gak biasanya masa iya sih mesin cuci menggetarkan segitunya. apa rusak yah?"... sempet ga enak juga kalau2 mengganggu tetangga tengah malam dengan getaran tersebut. Seraya menuju mesin cuci gw berasa agak limbung (kelelengan gitu) lalu terlintaslah, "ah gw mungkin kecapean aja hari ini pan pilkada di bawah terik matahari lalu disambung jalan2 lagi naek busway ke BlokM demi nostalgia SMA. Gw jg teringat cerita nyokap gw tentang gejala vertigo yg tahun lalu sempat dialaminya. Gw lantas berpegangan meja dan sepersekian detik secara instan timbul pikiran "wah ini gempa", tapi gw tepis pikiran itu "ah gw lagi nonton TV dan gak ada peringatan BMG - duuuh, kog gw masih ngarep diperingatin yah?!" ternyata kadar kesadaran gw menurun nih kayaknya.

Ternyata kepusingan sesaat yg gw rasa itu beneran efek gempa. Gw bener2 yakin setelah melongok ke podium bawah mendengar ada keributan dari luar jendela. Rupanya orang2 sudah turun hanya dengan pakaian tidurnya. Lalu gw berpikir, "jadi mesti goyang tadi tuh gempa bukan gw vertigo... horeee (lho?!)". Bergegas gw matiin gas dan saklar pusat, ngambil jaket, HP dan dompet, lalu menuju tangga darurat - saat ini goncangan itu dah gak ada. Di tangga darurat gw bergabung dengan para ayah dan ibu2 yg turun dengan pakaian tidurnya seraya kebanyakan diantaranya menggendong anaknya. Barulah gw sadar 100% kalau perasaan getaran tadi mesti gempa. Dasar!

Begitu gw sampai bawah sudah banyak orang berkumpul dan gw jadi tahu kalau memang ada genpa di Indramayu, dan efeknya meluas bahkan sampai Yogya dan Bengkulu (bisa ketebak kan di ring of fire). Seru juga sih di bawah terjadi perkenalan2. Ada cerita2 dari mereka yg mengalami gempa di Yogya, ada yg dengan semangat berbagi cerita detik2 menjelang gempa, ada yg katanya TVnya goyang (wah the fact bahwa TV gw stay still boleh juga yak, nah lho!!). Ada jg yg ketiduran dan kebangun gara2 denger ribut2, mau marah eh ternyata gempa. Sayangnya lokal TV tidak segera memberikan berita agak lebih lengkap dengan cepat, malahan CNN nun jauh di sana menyiarkan berita tersebut dengan coverage hampir 1 jam... beauty of globalization but a stomach cramp for local coverage :-(

Pagi ini gw jadinya kurang tidur tapi selamat2 aja. Thanks God, lagi2 ada kesempatan menikmati hidup. Inilah gempa kedua yg gw alamin saat di high rise building setelah yg pertama di Sentra Mulia Lt.18 beberapa tahun yl, dan hampir pasti bakal bukan yg terakhir. Yg gw inget pasti waktu gw di Lampung dan terjadi gempa, walau katanya lukisan2 sang empunya rumah berjatuhan toh gw tetep tidur dan selamat jg, bukan takabur tapi kepasrahan saja bahwa yah beginilah resiko hidup di tempat yg gak stabil. Terkadang menyenangkan (lho kapan? tadi siang), tapi lebih seringnya sih unpredictable. God bless Indonesia.

Election Day

Hari ini gw menikmati menggunakan hak untuk memilih sendiri gubernur untuk kota gw tercinta ini. Sayangnya kenikmatan tersebut gw gunakan bukan untuk memilih seseorang yg gw yakini betul akan membawa perubahan secara lebih baik, tapi ya memang memilih a better one than the worst...

Lho, maksudnya? iya, seperti juga dalam hidup "ga bisa ndapetin yg baik mulu", "ga bisa selalu ndapetin yg kita mau", jadi dalam beberapa kasus ya memang harus memilih yg terbaik dari skenario terburuk... duh, sedihnya...

Tapi yah gw gunakan hak gw sebagai warga ibukota tersebut semata2 dengan maksud kalau saja pilihan gw menjadi gubernur terpilih nantinya, gw akan punya hak untuk menuntutnya menggenapi janji2nya... toh, gw sendiri juga berusaha memenuhi kewajiban gw kog Pak. Gw gak golput dengan alasan tersebut, kalau gw golput gw gak akan punya hak menuntut janji2 tersebut. Walau sering janji tinggal janji, tapi gw tetep gunakan hak gw... hayo, penuhi yo janji2nya.

Dan setelah selesai pilkada, gw jalan2 dengan busway .. duh menyenangkannya kota Jakarta saat sepi begini. Memang sih gak terlalu sepi tapi pas lah, ada kedinamisan tapi tanpa macet! What a wonderful election day.

bourne

ya ampun, apa bakal di remake lagi deh novel Ludlum by someone else tentang Borne :-)
taunya ntar abis Bourne ultimate, ada Bourne super ultimate, Bourne xxx

wuih emangnya die hard, udah tua pun Bruce Willis teteeep aja die hard... hehehe - udah gak semenarik dulu ah waktu BW masih muda (maksudnya?)

late news doesn't hurt

Sejak hr minggu gw pengen posting tentang indonesian idol tapi blogger kog susah banget yah gw buka. Selamat ya Rini, menurut gw yah lo pantas lah menang kontes nyanyi, keep up that victory for your best.

Rasanya 'ngepas' banget deh pas nonton result shownya Indonesian Idol eh ada lagunya Odie Agam yg sesuai tema puisi gw yg 'penuh dengan saduran' yg gw tulis beberapa hari yl, tapi kalo yg ini sich kalo didengerin, terus dibayangin yg nyanyi dua orang yg lagi kasmaran bisa terasa deh arti bahasa cintanya :-)

pas denger lagunya... duh, so out to date deh, tapi dinyanyiin Harvey-Vina jadi enak banget deh didenger, kaya'nya subyektif banget deh pendapat gw tentang Harvey (emang!), tapi buat gw rasanya liquid banget deh mereka kemaren itu...

rindunya hatiku
ingin ku bertemu
dengan dambaan hatiku

kita pun berjanji
berjumpa malam ini
daku tak sabar lagi menanti

tapi bila kita bertatapan
seolah ucapan seakan
kini tak perlu lagi

kita bicara dalam bahasa cinta
tanpa suara tanpa sepatah kata
pelukan asmara mengungkapkan semua
tanpa suara tanpa kata kata

*lyrics song 'Bahasa Cinta' cipt.Odie Agam*

ini nih karaoke-annya versi penyanyi aslinya VinaPanduwinata - BroeryMarantika ... enjoy

Launching MBA

Hr ini gw sudah memutuskan sesuatu yg baru dalam hidup gw. Mulai besok gw akan memulai perjalanan adventurir yg baru. Memang tujuan konkrit di depan masih belum terlalu jelas, tapi yg pasti (semoga) ke arah yg lebih baik.

God, I beg your blessing, your encouragement as usual, your present, and wish me luck and specially willingness to learn (hard) and...
banyak banget permintaannya yak :-)

kala hati bicara

saat ada cinta
cukup berpandangan mata
tak perlu ucap kata
karna hati bicara

saat cinta mulai tertelan
tak cukup berbicara pelan
perlu ucap keras dan menyakitkan
karna hati tak lagi ada peran

dimana cinta saat diputuskannya mengakhiri hidup
dimana cinta saat tak ada lagi semangat untuk hidup
tak mungkin cinta dapat dicari dalam hidup
tanpa memaknai dan menikmati hidup

who says I can't?

the rain can't stop me
the heat can't stop me
who can stop me? ME.

kata2 tersebut adalah banner iklan TV suatu produk asuransi. dalam iklan singkat tersebut digambarkan seorang wanita yg terus berlari walau menembus hujan dan panas sampai ia sendiri memutuskan untuk berhenti - bukan hujan dan panas yg membuatnya berhenti.

mungkin maksudnya iklan tersebut tidak berhubungan dengan dua insiden DBD (demam bunuh diri), namun saat gw denger membuat gw ingin menuliskannya and wishing that it never happenned that suicide or attempted suicide to anyone.

yup, only me can stop me, then why should stop at the wrong time and wrong way?
life offers more than just coping with problem.

you know who

hahaha... akhirnya gw ngerti juga kapan tuh Yanti selintas pernah ngomong "you-know-who" dilanjutkan dengan penjelasin kalo istilah itu dari film Harry Potter, tapi tetep aja waktu itu gw ga dong. Akhirnya baru tadi malam lah semuanya menjadi agak jelas tentang,

siapa itu Harry Potter
gimana ceritanya
apa kira2nya yg disukai anak2 (oops !)
souvenir apa aja yg mungkin dijual

yup, tadi malam for the first time gw nonton film Harry Potter dan
thanks to you-know-who yg bisa bikin gw bisa2nya nonton film sekuel yg film-1-2-3-nya ga gw tonton, tapi mbela2in nonton yg ke-4, premier lagi :-))

life, oh life

I'm afraid of the dark,
'specially when I'm in a park
and there's no-one else around,
oh, I get the shivers

I don't want to see a ghost,
it's a sight that I fear most
I'd rather have a piece of toast,
watch the evening news

Life, oh life, oh life, oh life, doo, doo doo doo...
Life, oh life, oh life, oh life, doo, doo doo doo life...

I'm a superstitious girl,
I'm the worst in the world
never walk under ladders,
I keep a rabbit's tail

I'll take you up on a dare, anytime, anywhere
name the place, I'll be there, bungee jumping, I don't care!

So after all is said and done
I know I'm not the only one
life indeed can be fun, if you really want to

Sometimes living out your dreams,
ain't as easy as it seems
you wanna fly around the world,
in a beautiful balloon

*lyrics from song "Life" by Desree

enough is enough

Baru sempat mbaca kolom parodi nya Samuel di kompas hari minggu kemarin, malahan "terkesima" dengan kutipan tulisan tentang Tukul di majalah Weekender (hidup penyambung lidah... hehehe). Sebenarnya gw udah sering denger kutipan yg mirip2 lah artinya dengan jawabannya Tukul berikut, tapi gw bener2 ndalem dengan kalimatnya yg terakhir. Ini kutipan lengkapnya:

Begini bunyi wawancaranya:
"You have been poor and now you're rich, so what's the meaning of money?"
Tukul menjawab,
"Good question. After I have known what it's like to have money, it turns out that it's nothing special. It's actually a test to have a lot of money. We have to learn to control ourselves with it, to stop us doing things that will be our detriment. Whether we are rich or poor, sugar still tastes sweet."
Kompas minggu, 8 Juli 2007 -hal.19

Nah, itu komentarnya Tukul yg baru kaya :-)

dan bukan kebetulan juga dong abis baca kompas, gw ngebaca email seliweran tentang Warren Buffet, eh di penghujung email tersebut ada advice beliau untuk young people. Nah, kalo yg ini dari yg beneran udah kaya buangetttt:

Stay away from credit cards and invest in yourself, and Remember:
A. Money doesn't create man but it is the man who created money.
B. Live your life as simple as you are.
C. Don't do what others say, just listen them, but do what you feel good.
D. Don't go on brand name ; just wear those things in which you feel comfortable.
E. Don't waste your money on unnecessary things; just spend on them who really in need rather.
F. After all it's your life then why give chance to others to rule our life.

Damn, men tak sobek2, I agree with you guys, and will keep these two reflections of the day,

"Whether we are rich or poor, sugar still tastes sweet - Tukul Arwana";
and "After all it's your life then why give chance to others to rule our life - Warren Buffet."

di persimpangan

Satu hal yg selalu didengung2kan orang2 bijak ke gw,

Tulislah kebaikan di batu karena walau ombak menghantam batu, tulisan kebaikan itu tetap ada dan kau akan terus mengenang kebaikan orang tersebut.
Namun jika kau harus menuliskan kejahatan, tulislah di pasir sehingga saat ombak menyapu pasir, tulisan tersebut akan hilang dan kau pun akan melupakan kejahatan orang tersebut.

Saat ini gw di persimpangan untuk menentukan cara melihat dan melupakan rasa sebel sama orang yg gw anggap melakukan backstabbing ke gw berulang kali. Emosi sesaat seakan membuat gw ingin menuliskan dg cara lain saat ini. Gw pengen menulis kejahatan2 tersebut di sebuah batu sehingga pada saat gw dijahatin (lagi lagi lagi) gw akan bisa lihat batu itu dan mendapatkan kekuatan:

Bahwa ini bukan pertama kali orang itu melakukan hal ini.
Bahwa ini bukan pertama kali orang itu melakukan hal ini.
Bahwa ini bukan pertama kali orang itu melakukan hal ini.
Bahwa ini adalah ”hal biasa”

Orang tersebut toh akan tetap melenggang seperti biasa, berbicara seperti biasa, bahkan ngobrol dan tersenyum manis seakan ”pengkhianatan” itu tidak pernah ada, atau sebenarnya menunggu saat untuk melakukannya kembali?
duh, pikiran gw jahat banget yak

Sekali lagi, tetep aja pendapatnya Babang, "Sudahlah, kerja yg maksimal bukan buat manusia... ihiks... dan tambahnya "toh jawabannya sudah diberikan dalam kotbah kemarin 8/7/7"... hayo, hayo baca lagi catatan kotbahnya... hehehe

Ef.6:10-20 (menjadi kuatlah di dalam Tuhan karena perjalanan kita panjang dan musuh kita jahat)
Luk 17:7 (tuluslah – berilah tanpa mengharap – itu akan membuatmu tidak pernah lelah menunggu balas)
Yoh 5: 19, 30 (bergantunglah pada sumber kekuatan yaitu Tuhan yg hanya sejauh doa)
Mazmur 45:8 (minta urapan Tuhan)
I Tes 5:16 (bersukacitalah senantiasa)

Oke deh, hayo ini hal biasa dan gw sudah melewatinya berulang kali... belajar terus untuk forgiven AND forgotten, ca yo God bless!

right here right now

Time, sometimes the time just slips away
And you're left with yesterday
Left with the memories
I, I'll always think of you and smile
And be happy for the time
I had you with me
Though we go our separate ways
I won't forget so don't forget
The memories we made

Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
Please remember, our time together
The time was yours and mine
And we were wild and free
Please remember, please remember me

Goodbye, there's just no sadder word to say
And it's sad to walk away
With just the memories
Who's to know what might have been
We'll leave behind a life and time
We'll never know again

Please remember, please remember
I was there for you
And you were there for me
And remember, please remember me

lyrics from song "please remember" sang by LeeAnnRimes

teman

kata orang kalo kita lama gak melakukan satu aktivitas tapi gak ada rasa rindu yg berarti, itu sebenarnya kita gak terlalu suka melakukan aktivitas itu. toh kalau kita benar2 suka kita akan rindu melakukannya. kalo itu benar, berarti gw gak benar2 rindu nih nulis di blog, artinya... hehehe
itulah akibatnya kalo sukanya banyak... lagi lagi... padahal waktunya tetep aja 24 jam, artinya...

udah ah, kepanjangan pendahuluannya,
artinya, kalo gw bener2 have passion, ya PASSION untuk menulis blog, mesti gw akan melakukannya sesering mungkin, tapi toh kenyataannya, terkadang waktu menulis blog gw ganti dengan ngedit foto, ngegym, ngobrol di cafe, diskusi yg penting dan gak penting.. de el el de el el

nulis di blog beda dengan teman
terkadang gw mengorbankan menulis di blog demi mendengarkan curhatan teman gw yg sebenarnya sudah berulang kali gw dengar, karena memang gw punya passion tentang pertemanan, itulah sebabnya gw lebih mentingin dengerin curhatan teman2 gw sekali pun gw capek kayak tadi... hehehe, big hug. Sebenarnya tadi tuh gw gak ngomongin soal pertemanan tapi secara ada telpon dari seorang teman di tengah2 pembicaraan tadi, jadinya kita ngobrolin masalah ini. Menulis di blog katanya bisa jadi therapy juga, jadinya gw nulis deh refleksi ini, supaya gak lupa besok2 dan supaya gw bener2 gak sedih lagi..., jangan bilangnya gak sedih lagi tapi setiap ngomongin bikin gw jadi sedih... apaan tuh? hehehe

Apa sih arti pertemanan?

There are many things that catch your eyes, but only few that catch your heart. Pursue those - NN

Gw gak tahu dan gak bisa ingat kapan gw mendapatkan kartu bertuliskan kalimat tersebut, tapi yg jelas udah lama banget. Dan itu (ternyata) berbekas sekali dalam hidup gw, lebih tepatnya terefleksikan dalam hidup gw, salah satu passion itu adalah pertemanan.

Really, gw nerima apa pun yg terjadi dengan teman gw, sekali pun dia berubah atau membuat keputusan bodoh. Tapi hubungan pertemanan bukan hubungan agape, bukan hubungan yg needs no return seperti dengan Tuhan atau ibu. kalo ada yg bilang gitu, sorry, itu bullshit.

Pertemanan adalah seutas tali yg selalu kita pegang dua arah. Tadi Nina bilang pertemanan adalah ship that never sink. Buat beberapa yg mengenal gw, determinasi gw tentang pertemanan agak aneh, sebab gw benar2 membedakan teman dengan kenalan.

jika orang yg gw gak kenal nyebrang mau ketabrak mobil,
paling gw berusaha teriak mengingatkan.
jika ia adalah seorang kenalan,
gw akan meneriakkan namanya.
jika ia adalah seorang teman,
gw berusaha menubrukkan badan gw dan menyelamatkan kami.
dan jika ia cinta agape dalam hidup gw,
gw janji akan berdiri di depannya dan berusaha menyetop mobil tersebut berapa pun harganya.

seorang teman bertanya, REALLY?? my answer is always, "try me, if you're my real friend"

Pertemanan yg gw tahu adalah teman yg menerima gw apa adanya dan demikian juga gw, pertemanan yg bukan berarti harus selalu sepaham, pertemanan yg saling mengisi dan menguatkan, pertemanan yg tidak "aji mumpung", pertemanan yg tak lekang oleh jarak dan waktu, dan yg penting adalah saat kita pegang tali itu kita tidak melepaskannya. Begitu pegangan terasa lemah, yg ada adalah saat saling menguatkan dan bukan menjauh apalagi melepaskannya, karena kita teman, dan itu cukup untuk saling mengingatkan untuk "eratkan peganganmu".

Waktu berlalu, real pertemanan mengisi hidup gw. Terus terang yg gw akui sebagai teman memang tidak banyak, kurang dari 10, tapi mereka benar2 TEMAN yg gw bisa datang ke mereka dalam suasana hati yg senang atau pun amburadul, untuk bercerita, dikuatkan, "dirajam" dengan kritikan, dicela2 bahkan nyombong atau pun narsis2an sekali pun. Menangis bersama, bersedih bersama itu beberapa kali gw lewati dengan teman. Walau gw tetep gw, seorang Artha tanpa embel2, yg tak malu menceritakan cela, namun terkadang sok2 misterius katanya, tapi gw mau ada untuk mendengarkan venting teman2 gw, apa pun itu. Cara berpikir yg kadang nyeleneh dan aneh dan gak ada malunya (which is kalo bukan temen gw pasti akan merasa ter-insult walau gw gak bermaksud gitu), katanya bikin pendapat gw jadi Artha banget... hehehe. Ciri2 khas teman2 gw, cara mereka tertawa, raut muka mereka saat sedih, gembira atau pun surprise, kesukaan2 mereka yg terkadang mereka tidak sadari, hal2 kecil yg membuat mereka senang ataupun sedih, semuanya itu terekam dengan baik di memori gw.

Tapi apa gw pernah gagal?
Jawabannya pernah dan gw merasa sangat sedih. Saat pertama bertemu, gw bener2 gak berniat menambah jumlah teman. Teman gw udah cukup "banyak" untuk menjalaninya dengan full hearted. Namun sejalan dengan sharing stories, spent time together terjalinlah hubungan pertemanan itu, dan itu TIDAK berlangsung singkat. Tapi ternyata hubungan pertemanan itu tidak cukup kuat, atau sebenarnya memang tidak pernah ada. Mungkin ada kebutuhannya yg terpenuhi saat gw ada dulu. Mungkin saat itu dia bertopeng (gak kegerahan yah?). Gw gak tahu jawaban yg sesungguhnya karena memang tidak ada penjelasan. Saat ada teman baru apalagi saat jarak memisahkan, menurut gw saat itulah pertemanan diuji. Dan gw saat ini merasa bersyukur dan tidak mau lagi sedih atau sakit hati karena pertemanan itu tidak lagi terjalin karena ibaratnya I'm not invited in her new world. Gw dah bisa nerima sekarang, ya karena gw toh tetap punya mereka yg benar2 teman2 real sebelum dia masuk dalam hidup gw. Namun tidak gw sesali, karena itu memang pembelajaran hidup. Tanpa itu gw gak akan pernah tahu bahwa sebenarnya hubungan ini satu arah. Gw malah bersyukur kalau ini tidak berlangsung dalam hitungan century seperti teman2 yg udah masuk dalam hidup gw jauh sebelum dia.

Dari obrolan tadi dengan teman gw yg juga adalah seorang psikolog, gw mendapat penjelasan akan pembelajaran tersebut. Kalau dia "berubah" hanya karena bertemu komunitas baru dan tidak lagi "dia" yg dulu kita kenal saat menjadi teman kita, dan however dia tidak mau kita ada dalam dunianya yg baru dinikmatinya itu, ya mungkin itulah kualitasnya. Pertemanan lebih kuat dari sekedar itu. Mungkin nanti saat dia dihadapkan dengan dunia baru dan bertemu dengan komunitas baru lagi, dia akan melakukan yg sama, yaitu melupakan teman2 barunya yg sekarang. Jadi, tidak ada gunanya gw sesali. Mungkin pertemanan yg pernah terjalin dengan gw dulu yah karena dia butuh teman saja di dunia yg dulunya baru buatnya dan kebetulan aja ada gw saat itu, kalau ada orang lain mungkin dia tidak akan pernah jadi teman gw.

Berubah, boleh dong, cuman yg bikin gw masih rada surprise-bingung-gak percaya adalah kenyataan kalau dengan teman2 barunya dia malah melakukan hal2 yg dulu diklaimnya tidak disukainya dengan sangat firm. Kalau dia tiba2 suka hal2 yg awalnya diklaimnya tidak disukainya tapi belakangan jadi disukainya, gw pikir cuman berubah pikiran aja. namun saat dia mengingkarinya harusnya gw dah bisa baca tuh. Nah pengingkaran2 itu, dan beberapa evidences lately kog rada membingungkan yah. Artinya, dia dulu pake topeng atau dia lagi make topeng baru lagi sekarang, atau?

Buka dulu topengmu, buka dulu topengmu, agar ku lihat wajahmu, agar ku lihat wajahmu...

Namun satu hal dalam hubungan pertemanan dengan dia itulah gw mengenal seorang teman yg sampai saat ini tetap menjadi teman gw. Itulah salah satu buah manis peninggalannya dan gw berterima kasih untuk itu dan juga untuk pembelajaran ini. Selamat tinggal sedih.