testimonial

Thanks God for lessons of life that You allowed me to have it this young. I trusted that Your will must happen, so I accept that I follow my destiny today on my future.

God, I thank You
for the tear drops ... it shows that I am normal
for the laughs... it shows that I have voice
for the pain... it shows that I have a feeling
for the promise... it shows me the destiny of my journey
and am ready to follow my destiny with You hold my hand and never let it go, it is, because I know You so well... yeah, more than I know myself. 'cause You're perfect and I'm still working on my imperfectness to become a better me.

(dinyanyiin:
karena ku tahu, yang kupercaya
dan aku yakin, kan kuasaNya
Dia menjaga, yang kutaruhkan
hingga akhirnya kelak... )

Oh God, I thank You for Your smiles on me... they make me smile.

nyepi

gubrakkksss.... nyepi ini benar2 membuat gw harus menyepi.
benar2 seperti geledek di siang bolong alias sangat mengagetkan berita yg gw terima. saat ini gw merasakan apa yg Maia Estianty pernah rasakan, ingin menangis tapi tak keluar air mata.

semua persoalan lain sepertinya jadi lebih gampang.
rasa bibir terasa sangat kelu.

Benar umat Hindu menyatakan hari ini adalah hari nyepi, karena setelah rasa kaget itu dan setelah hebohnya yg berkecamuk dalam hati gw, di ujungnya yg tersisa adalah rasa nyepiiiiiiii,

bahkan air mata pun tak keluar.

Ga' mau jadi caleg

-- khusus edisi caleg,
buat yg sukses jadi legislator nantinya, gw gak akan bilang "sukses selalu" tapi "ajak2 gw & keluarga beusaaaar gw ikutan sukses dong..." artinya kudu siap2 aja nyuksesin jutaan orang ya... hehehe

-- ada komen teman gw soal para caleg kampanye tanpa tau "job description legislator", itu bisa dilihat dari baliho maupun "kampanye gratis" via TV dll. Gw mbaca emailnya senyum2 aja mau bilang kalo mereka tahu banget kog jobdes-nya, yaitu "dg modal minim visi, minim edukasi, dan minim akhlak, namun ingin maksimum mendapatkan hak yg pasti2: gaji maksimum dari bbrp pos, THR maks dr bbrp kumpeni, tunjangan tidur yg maks pas rapat, rumah maks buat dikontrakin, mobil2 maks mewah maks dg harga diskon yg maks pula, jalan2 gratis pun dimaksimumkan ke byk negara... etc etc -
d kompas minggu2 ini ada ulasan deh soal "target" caleg ini yg memilukan memang... walau yah gak semua, tapi banyak.

-- ada capres yg mantan ketua MPR/DPR (catetttt, posisi tertinggi yg mengemban suara rakyat yg memilih yg notabene bisa mecat executive), pembuat UU eh mau jadi pelaksana UU, ntar kalo jadi presiden alih2 ngajarin MPR/DPR secara merasa yg paling tahu kan pernah duduk d kursi tertinggi... begitu ada pers langsung on mikenya. baru2 ini liat d tv beliau ditanya apa program kerjanya jawabannya "liat nanti lah, kalau kepilih jadi presiden". Whattttt *quaw quaq*...

-- ada juga satu figur yg notabene mantan menteri... eh setelah gagal terpilih jadi gubernur daerah A, jadi calon gubernur daerah B... apa doi frustasi karirnya mentok kali ya, abis menteri kan harusnya jadi presiden kek tapi ntah tuh ga jadi capres, yah jadinya rajin2 ganti KTP di daerah2 supaya jd "anak daerah" dan bisa menjual pengalaman jadi menteri buat mimpin daerah... halal kan? halal..... kayaknya pengen eksis banget deh, apa haus kekuasaan sich sebenarnya... ga perlu jawaban.

-- wong jelas2 ada KPK (ga perfect, tapi ada), ada penangkapan koruptor (ga semua, tapi ada), ada UU korupsi (ga sempurna, tapi ada), ada kode etik MPR/DPR (ada badan pengawas lagi !) ... eh di atas semua akal sehat soal fakta & keberadaan Tuhan, eh eh ehe MASIH BERANI (catet: BERANI) terima duit korupsi secara terang2an dan ketangkep tangan pula... duh, kalah itu nyali matador - berani mati banget... napa nyalinya ga dipake bela mempertahankan pulau Sipadan ya... *binun*
sorry agak ekspresif, soalnya pas barengan gw nonton berita korupsi anggota DPR, di saat yg sama di handphone gw ada SMS teman gw yg dokter yg didatengin seorang ibu hamil pendarahan hebat & suaminya yg nyembah2 ke teman gw minta istrinya dioperasi supaya selamat & sumpah rela "memborohkan" dirinya karena mrk ga punya uang tapi belom ngurus kartu miskin karena ngurus kartu miskin di daerahnya pun butuh uang .... (operasi = uang sangat besar alias uang kerja seumur hidup buat mrk)... memilukan sungguh.

-- itulah, bukannya mau ngomel2 soal dagelan politik yg sdg berlangsung, tapi yah gw lebih memilih sektor real aja deh...
jadi tukang engineer yg jelas2 berkontribusi langsung ke produksi gas nasional yg bisa kontribusi langsung k APBN.... qeqeqe..

-- komentar anggota high excellency DPR yg bilang ke CEO Pertamina, *anda pikir siapa anda, kog "berani2nya" ngirim surat langsung ke DPR*... gubrakkksss ampun Pak kaget gw, apa DPR masih - Dewan Perwakilan Rakyat - artinya wakil rakyat, alias "dipercayakan (kasarnya disuruh) rakyat utk mewakili dia, & CEO Pertamina termasuk rakyat bukan yah, dah ga boleh ya rakyatnya "ngomong" ama perwakilannya...
terkadang ya Pak, kalo ga ngomong langsung bisa2 artinya berbeda, tapi kalo ngomong langsung tapi dihina2 gitu sih jadinya siapa ngewakilin siapa sih sekarang... padahal nerima CEO oil company lain yg notabene gak bisa bahasa Indonesia, anggota dewan yg terhormat ngomongnya baik2 aja tuh... *hmmmm, otak kecil gw bingung*

-- o ya, gw ketemu & ngobrol dg Pak Sas di acara peluncuran buku Sintong Panjaitan kemarin malam...
Duh, kog gw tetep salut ya sama yg namanya jenderal, usia nyaris 70 tapi tegap2 bo... terus figur yg spesial kayak Pak SP, dg pro dan kontra personafikasinya, terlintas mo nanya ke mereka deh gimana sich caranya utk ga ditembak padahal nawarin pemikiran yg "berbeda" dari khalayak umum... hayo, pake susuk ya *pisss*. Dan gw tetep promosi teman2 gw buat baca buku SP deh, bakal terbelalak dan kadang jadi ngakak... hehehe, gini toh negara gw... plus apalagi kalo ditambah baca buku2 yg beredar awal2 reformasi dulu....
*hmmm, teringat buku yg bertanya "what is Indonesia? - apa sich Indonesia, apakah sebuah negara yg tercatat di PBB yg adalah kumpulan orang2 yg masih ada dan mau terus ada, atau mau tercerai berai?)

Di acara itu, diskusi energi dg Pak Sas sangat menarik (senyumnya jg tetap manis lho), dan challengenya "cuci otak" masih ditembakkan... sampe2 keasyikan dan gw kelaperan deh akibat ga makan malam. Untung gw enjoy the night, jadi lapernya lupa karena keasikan mencerna yg didengar, walaupun ga terlalu terkaget-kaget tapi tetep ada "battle of mind"... hehehe

-- banyak sich yg mau gw share tapi udah dulu ah ...
ntar pada bosen jg mbacanya... (jangan heran komen gw banyak yah, wong jobdes gw di kantor termasuk baca koran kog....*serius*).

Kampanye Hidup Berarti

Di tengah2 berita2 ataupun ulasan2 politik negri ini, ada satu kampanye paling menarik yg gw saksikan sore ini. Kampanye ini cukup membuat gw membatalkan Rp350rb untuk nonton Laura Fygi sore ini, dan cukup untuk "nonton yg besok aja" jadi ga perlu keluar uang 2x.

Adalah kampanye seorang remaja *polos* (yah kalo dibilang polos dalam artian gak tahu sih bukan, tapi celotehan yg polos, tingkah lalku yg sebenarnya masih sangat sangat remaja), dialah Sheila Marcia.

Gw nonton liputan keluarnya Sheila dari hotel prodeo dimana dia melewatkan malam2 di balik jeruji sampai wawancaranya di rumah kontrakan sederhana yg pastinya jauh dari gemerlap malam yg selalu dilewatinya dulu.

Liputan kira2 20 menit itu penuh tawa, tangis, liputan bahagia orang2 di sekelilingnya, dan bagaimana cahaya mata Sheila memancarkan binar2 yg gw bilang sungguh anak2, yg bahagia saat diberikan mainan kesayangannya. Binar2 yg sempat redup setahun lalu saat beritanya benar2 diekspos media sedemikian. Cita2 yg membawanya ke obat2an yg sempatdianggapnya telah membunuh masa depannya. Ternyata dia salah. Setahun hilang kebebasan, dg derai2 air mata, hati yg hancur, perasaan tercabik2... ternyata Sheila yg jatuh, bangkit lagi dan kembali memperlihatkan lewat binar2 yg gw lihat tadi, ya Sheila masih remaja, masih senang bermain, senang bercanda dan butuh kasih sayang. Dia salah, dipikirnya tidak ada orang yg cinta dia lagi setelah apa yg diperbuatnya demi dirinya, tapi ternyata Tuhan, keluarga dan teman2 dekatnya tidak meninggalkannya.

Tuhan-keluarga-teman, they'are all left... ya memang demikianlah dunia,

itulah kampanye Sheila tadi, kampanye

untuk tidak berteman dg obat2 terlarang...

untuk kembali jalani hidup dengan Tuhan...

untuk menghargai hidup dg kebebasan yg bertanggung jawab...

untuk melakukan hal2 yg menyenangkan hati Tuhan (what a world she lived in last 1 year made she says phrase like this? bless you Sheila, pray for you)...

Selamat menikmati hidup de... dan stay out from drugs, God with you. Doa untuk Sheila untuk tetap kuat, jatuh biasanya tidak sekali dan sukses tidak ditentukan seberapa kita tenar dan berkibar kencang, tapi bagaimana kita bisa bangkit kembali.

Terimakasih untuk kampanyemu yg mesti berarti buat keluargamu, buat sekelilingmu dan juga buat generasi muda Indonesia... harusnya bukan cuman masuknya Sheila ke bui yg dibesar2kan, tapi juga keluarnya, sama seperti Slank yg memutuskan untuk mengabdi bagi sesama penderita, karena mereka pernah di sana.

Say NO to drug! God bless young gen of this country!

The Summit

Ini postingan aslinya dituliskan utk seorang junior di kantor gw yg very talented & posses good personality traits. Memang gw blm pernah kerja bareng yg "lama" dg dia, tp gw bisa rasakan "rasa" itu & *biasanya* ga salah, biar waktu yg buktikan.

Hi Nad, sebagai sesama self-fulfilling driven, komen gw ini ga nggurui ya, cuma gw kebetulan lahir duluan aja :)

Don't worry about you, as a high achiever, there's always "what next", there's always another humps to climb till arrive @TheSummit (one defines summit as s/he wishes).

Jangan anti dg ambisius, kita butuh ambisi sbg fuel. Kata itu memang sering dikonotasikan negatif, itu krn adanya unsur mematikan yg tersirat. Ada org2 ambisius mematikan orang lain karena mrk tdk mau berbagi fuel tsb dg yg butuh, bahkan ada yg tega "mengambil" ambisi itu dari org lain yg menyebabkan mrk mati kehabisan fuel. Selain itu, bisa juga mematikan diri sendiri karena tidak ada lagi satu pun yg mau berbagi fuel setelah "belajar dari pengalaman sebelumnya. Kalaupun berhasil sampai @TheSummit, biasanya org2 ini sendirian.

As for me, setelah belajar dr lihat pengalaman org lain, baik yg ada di dekat gw atau pun autobiografi org terkenal, gw mau climb to TheSummit tapi gw ga mau sendirian nanti di puncak. Gw mau berbagi pemandangan yg indah dg mereka yg gw cintai, sayangi & kasihi, dg mrk yg berbagi fuel yg me-recharge gw saat memerlukannya utk climb every "small" tanjakan. Terkadang energi sangat terkuras krn harus turun dulu atau harus muter cari jalan, atau harus nebang pohon (duh! lebai deh), but when fuel is available say goodbye to "no idea" &

believing it'll pay off when we'll see sunrise, singing & dancing @TheSummit.

'bout love? comes my favorite quote: "if it doesn't kill you, it will only make you stronger" (F.Nietzsche)*hahaha

Selamat nikmati proses belajar dewasa & gutluk

f/Artha *yg msh terus belajar*

Zona norak tapi eksis

Gak sabar rasanya saat tangan gw mbuka blog buat nulisin sesuatu ttg acara yg gw lagi tonton ini, yaitu acara satu tahun zona 80... masih ada!!!!!!

Kedengarannya norak memang, tapi siapa pun yg eksis dalam era itu, suka ga suka harusnya akuin kalo era itu ya memang era yg boleh dibilang sekarang itu norak.

Siapa pun yg dengerin radio mesti kenal ida arimurti di acara prambors tiap pagi.

Sys NS dengan lawakan yg seringannya ga lucu dg kemeja jambon yg kancingnya selalu dibuka yg atas (kayak seksi aja).

Obbie mesakh dg lagu yg memeras kalbu dg lirihan nia daniaty, ratih ... (adiknya endang s taurina), dkk nya

Amang Rinto Harahap selain suaranya yg khas, beliau bahkan jadi ikon, "badan rambo, hati rinto"

Om Chrisye yg lagu2nya menemani hari2 SMP gw... dari mulai jatuh cinta sampe patah hati hehehe...

Yopie latul yg barusan sama Arie Wibowo nyanyi lagu "Nona Manis" yg ternyata (ternyata lho!) gw masih hafal liriknya... hahaha.

Ada juga ikang fawzi yg susah ngeliatnya tanpa celana kulit hitam ketat dan rantai rantai berjejeran, di aliran yg sama ada juga mbak atiek CB dg kacamata besar, kaos putih dan jeans ... kerrenn banget buat anak remaja kayak gw waktu itu - siapa yg ga niru gaya panggung dia.

Christine panjaitan yg waktu itu main organ juga di gereja gw, yg jadi idola ibu2 batak sebagai menantu harapan. itu sich harapan gak muluk2, wong memang cantik, baik, jago nyanyi, main musik ... pas deh kalo doi juga jago masak.

Oddie agam yg waktu itu lebih dikenal sbg pencipata lagu2 nya Vinam yg ujung2nya nikah sama Chintami, terus kita2 bilang "hoki banget dia dapetin Chintami" ... hahaha.

Achmad albar dg rambutnya yg khas dan saat bersanding dg rini s.bono yg hidungnya muancung banget dianggap sebagai pasangan yg cuocok.

Yopie latul nginetin soal selekta pop, safari, gita remaja (yg membawa tenar si pembawa acara)

Fariz RM dg barcelona-nya...

Vina dg burung camar...

Sandro tobing yg saat itu masih keren

Farid harja... hehehe, gayanya almarhum itu lho

Ini barusan lagu om broery dinyanyiin... duh om! jadi inget kisah dengan anita sarawak, apa kabarnya anita sekarang ya? tapi paling gak om nyiptain "buah semangka berdaun sirih"

Lagu2nya norak dan saling berbalas2an... telpon rindu ada balesannya

Lagu2nya ada versi cewek maupun cowok,... ceweknya ditampar, eh cowoknya membalas, tau dong lagunya whahaha

Di panggung entertainment

Ada harry de fretes dg lenongnya... gak kepikir sekarang kalo gw n temen2 pernah menang 100rb di acara prambors ngebawain lenong... kebayang ga latihannya ... hehehe, jugalatihan moonwalknya michael jackson...

Gak lupa jojon cs, ria jenaka dan warkop DKI...

Ah, terlalu banyak kenangan, masih banyak penyanyi/pencipta lagu, entertainer masa itu yg belom tertulis tapi satu hal, mereka membuat gw merasa eksis banget di zona itu.

Banyak lagu2 gw ikutin, banyak acara2 radio (o iya, om boy alias Catatan si Boy dg Ongky dan Meriam Bellina yg nyanyi juga tuh), aaggggghhhhhhhh...

Banyak hal2 yg sekarang terasa norak, terasa so jadul, terasa so beda

Apa jadinya kalo jaman itu ada laptop

Apa jadinya kalo jaman itu tv nya banyak kayak sekarang

Yg ada akan banyak band band, eksistensi mereka pun bisa cepat hilang, ke-khas-an suara maupun lagu pun akan hilang.

Walaupun dipaksakan cuman ada satu tv a.k.a TVRI, tapi buktinya ada lagu pop cengeng, ada lagu rock, ada lagu melayu, ada lagu sederhana, ada rock Godbless, ada bosanova, ada rocknroll norak, ada krakatau dg lagu2 semi jazzinya juga hidup, ada lenong yg punya tempat tersendiri, ada slapstiknya jojon, ada guyonan kasino dg tampangnya yg kayak polos

Zona 80? masih ada, lengkap dengan gado2-nya

Sama kayak tulisan ini, gak jelas tapi pengen menuliskan keeksisan mereka yg tetap terekam di ingatan gw.

... norak tapi eksis !!

Ko' Titu Vih

sudah lama ga nulis di blog ini simply karena lagi males nulis online.
pernah pengen hiding myself, kayaknya tulisan2 gw ini terlalu jujur membuka kulit2 isi pikiran gw.
padahal maksud blog ini bukan untuk curhat tapi untuk menjadi catatan refleksi diri gw sendiri atas apa yg terjadi di sekeliling gw, jadi suatu waktu nanti gw akan bisa balik dan diingatkan atas milestones hidup gw.

tapi hr ini, ada dorongan untuk nulis beberapa peristiwa terlewatkan blog ini.

2008
-- inagurasi penuh memori - banyak hal yg gw pelajari dari pengelaman ini, arti kesetiaan, arti hipokrit, dan arti "the first cut is the deepest", tapi yg gw seneng banget, melalui proses ini terutama buat gw arti mencintai diri gw lebih dari sebelumnya. gw take charge my life back dan happy with its state now. Thank God for such experience.

-- konser KogTituVih - hahaha, ini juga byk pengalaman...
ada yg bilang, "jangan sampai kompetisi gak penting berujung kehilangan teman", tapi versi gw justru:
"kompetisi ini ga penting & ga worth banget, jadi saat yg katanya teman berubah jadi orang lain yg tidak dikenal & perbuatannya jadi aneh2, justru di situlah kita tau siapa yg teman sejati". Friendship is beyond priceless compared to laptop, remember that. It costs us friendship when you turned me that down for such cheap competition.

-- reality hurts when seeing someone I trust can do two opposite things in just second.
if you told me that you would do a bad thing about one person but then I found you with that person so close, you really scared me to hell...
better, don't tell me your plan... or is it you? how bout if you do it to me to? that you only good when you want something from me...
hmmm, reality check and reality hurts sometime but life goes on, no regrets

Gw back to state that I love before.
... when I dicipline to enjoy myself while be blessings to others whose in need
... when I know price of sincere smiles
... when I chose to sort my mind - sometimes being open minded also means that I allow people to enter easily their doctrine
... when I dedicate more time to quote GOD's words, sing Franky song, play with my hobby and spend much time with my best friends.

Thanks God for whatever happenned, I know You're there and want me to see it.

2009 I heard You told me to be a "butterfly" - very thin wing but can fly through the wind and be an "eagle"
songon lali i, habang mansai timbo
maninggalhon sude angka sidangolanki
holan Ho Tuhan, pasabam rohangki
Ndada na so tarbaen Ho Tuhan

About Life

I’m writing this to answer a note from my dear friend who asked me a recipe to stay positive facing a big problem and not knowing which way to choose to overcome it. Hehehe dear, really, it is not because it’s Sunday, but because somehow we have the same feeling of “standing on another crossroad but not convinced which one of life's decision to be taken”. Easy life is once in my wish list, but here I will share with you why it’s not there any more and why now to certain extend people seeing me has “positive capacity in facing negative response” – it’s a phrase my boss recently put in my evaluation.

I had the same wish that my life is easy, even it was against all logic. But now, "just being alive" have taught me that my life is indeed easy and I should never stop hoping for a better life for a one reason, because I have Jesus. It changed how I see life and my view of life. Most important change was I have no fear of my future because He has promised. I thank Him for giving that “gift” when I was quite young (October 1993: now has been past 18 years since then), and for sure it is long before I have close contact with "money".

My life still not "look" easy though and seems like I keep falling. At times I felt that I was falling, I ask God, "Hey You there, if You really love me as been said, then why You "let" me fall? Don’t You, with Your almighty power, can stop that storm so I did not have to scare to death? Why You let me fall in love to this guy and not other for me might now have a happily married life as some lucky others enjoys? with kids! Why I have to work for money that has not meant for me in reality? Why, in addition to the hurdle, why can't I get the money as easy as other who even could spend it in their irresponsible manners? Why am I less than them and how come you could trust them, please explain!

Then, after come to so many why questions and I don’t have enough voice to speak it over loudly, I’m so damn sure that it won’t stop there, and … just now one happened, “Why I have to "let" others win over me, and it is true for the vice-versa, why don’t You make others to "letting" me win?”.

After miraculously saved from a car accident back in 1997, I asked ”Why You saved me from being injured as it was not very logic to happen?” After my car was hit continuously by 12 others cars & busses, only then You sent the last car to rolled my car from a dead-end “jurang” back to the road and lastly hit a power box before it completely stop and end me in a voiceless cry. Even the insurance company appraisal noted a 95% car damage that entitles us to get a new car as a replacement! Against logic to everyone there, no single scratch on me, and neither Abang. The police and people voice kept whispering in my head that we were saved only by miracle. I was on my way back to Cikampek where I have my thesis and about two months to my final university exam. Every time I recall on this, I only believe that I was saved only by the grace.

Crossroads keep coming to my life, are underway and may never stop coming into my life until time You call me home. During those time when I stand unprepared helpless not knowing what to do and how, I always feel sad and deeply hurt! I always (!) then disclose my weakness to them I do care, that is crying. I hate it and keep asking “Where was she in me, a girl who couldn’t cry as once there before?”

My love ones hate my "kecengengan" and hate it to the max. They kept reminding me that "Hey, you had overcame a much bigger problems than this before!" It is true that I’m so determined. I always limit "the audience" of my kecengengan only to a very limited number of people that called – the circle of trust – whom I can trust to see that "kecengengan" inside a strong woman they see appears outside. Improvements to shorten the impact time are on its way, but I realize that I have to work more-than-twice hard as possible compared the opposite effort past ~19 years ago (wow, high school was just a memory!).

Results clearly towards a promising future... now, I’m a big girl hehehe, recent song of my fave, Fergie with title “Big Girls Don't Cry”, become a mantra…

I hope you know, I hope you know

That this has nothing to do with you

It's personal, myself and I

We've got some straightenin' out to do

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket

But I’ve got to get a move on with my life

Its time to be a big girl now, and big girls don't cry (forever)

The path that I'm walking,I must go alone

I must take the baby steps until I'm full-grown

Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?

And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

I need to be with myself instead of calamity.

Peace, Serenity

Still, there were times that don’t have that peace and serenity I dream of. Times when I feel just too tired to fight, tired of being different, tired of being me, tired being treated unfair, tired of being obliged to survive. I had times feeling that You, God, do not love me that “much”, do not have “that unconditional love”. I sometimes thought that You might has fulfilled the obligation of “the mission” and have given me enough for me should stop now from asking for more.

But bear with me that I will I never regret for keep ask You for “too” much, and sould not sit back for enough. You were The One who has created me with this perseverance attitude, so I guess, by-You-did-so I may have enough reserve energy no to pass through this, and not to be discouraged to ask for more and more. I believe, if You once “correct” and have created with Your own hands for me to be born in 27^th August 1975 in my family, then You would give me that steadfast attitude to “hanging there” patiently for You to hint Your direction according to Your will.

There would always be another crossroad wait for me. There would always be times that I ended up making a wrong decision! Worse enough that sometimes I fell even when I thought of having taken a good decision such a decision that “not put me at the one who benefit the most”. I fell when decided to say "after you” only to find that the guy quickly forget of me who used to bring that far. There were times I shouted “Hay Jesus, “what do You want from me?"

At times I want to give up and about to loose my faith and my last energy to survive, I realize that only then I am able to gain it back and move on. Against all logic, against all people says and experiences, I found that You reached me and lift me from falling too deep (some times, just before “my” basement line!). Okay I cannot lie, it’s proven that at many difficult times in my life, when I feel that I have used up my energy and cannot even convince myself to stand any longer, only then there You carried me through back to the crossroads where it all started. You dropped me in the correct direction, one that I did not take. You let me continue my life's journey in “new” way with a chin up, way that I consciously did not choose to pass through. Your power helps me understand that all the best for me.

I don't fulfill some requirements. I am still using A LOT of my "logic", my young spirit, liberal thinking, my rebellion tendency, my curiosity to “taste” life. Stubborn enough, sometimes I still offer “a preferred answer to my prayer” and begging for the stamp “Approved by The Almighty”, I even bargain with you by saying “Oh God, I know that too much but... please, I beg You that I really want it”, or in other times, “Dear God, I beg you I prefer the other option and really don't want this one...”Pfff, who are you girl, back to reality and put your feet on the ground, plissss…

I find that He doesn't want me to control His will. Though I act goods but He does not count it for "something I ask for". No such rule. I admire a lot some "strong" people especially ones who are able to fulfill such requirements beyond belief. For whom know me for life, I changed a lot but wouldn't dare to say success, neither perfect, neither better than others. I may only accept “enlighten a bit" but far far away from correctness.

God sends hints. It comes through praying, through family or a friend (like you!), through unexpected even like such a line in “Ever After a.k.a Cinderella” movie: "You were born to privilege and with that comes specific obligations" that sounds repeated in “Spiderman” movie: “with great power comes great responsibility”, or through others like a quote from last Kartini's day speech taken from Ibu Mutia Hatta, "if it doesn't kill you, it will only make you stronger" (original: F.Nietzsche)... bottom line, I have to admit that He never leave me alone.

So now dear, I can only pray that you know that you are and will never alone. Life is easy, and may you soon get the gift that I already have that "my life becomes easier not by me or my brain or my personality, not by my family or my networks of KOD (kenal orang dekat), not by money I got or my work or my company, but only by the grace. That's why I am different and special. Honestly, I still find some difficulties for myself to accept this as a full package. I want some but not all, especially still confused if I have to accept all responsibilities attached. **

We just don’t realize that our lives are easy or even deny it just because we're busy of wanting other's people's lives, others that we though having one better than ours. I thank God for chances to learn "how to life", for opportunity to “live the fullest life” and for “never feel bored of my life even when I was alone”. I also thank all people in my life (including you!) who take a part in my journey that contribute of making me love my life to the fullest. Only by the grace that as time goes by He carries and shows us "LIFE 101", and only then our life becomes easier."

Ca yo... I want to see that smile back on you dear!

BELEPOTAN

Dearest sista,

I told you what had happened to me lately and how it hurt me much. Only after I thought that I passed a “hurricane”, another “storm” hit me right away last Thursday unexpectedly. I stunt and don’t know whom to speak about this but her (you know who).

On Friday, we spent 6 (SIX) hours sharing stories of our lives until past 11PM ! Can't believe how she turned down many calls. Not to make her a hero of the situation, but that conversation of two woman whose many same traits, same star, same "love" object, and experienced many similar childhood events, was like a “quantum-leap” movie as I see myself in 15 years to come in front of me. But I am sure that I could be much better because I am God's daughter! Hahaha

Couple months I was on the crossroads, plus last Thursday I felt that I took a wrong decision. Why He “lets” me fall (ihiks... it doesn’t kill me but make me stronger... ihiks, babak belur... ihiks sakkkiiiittttttttt), but now I see: thankfully this time I don’t have to wait too long, this afternoon He speaks to me through “Abraham’s Promise”.

It was not coincidence that I sent you that sms this afternoon. He chose us, not we chose Him. “Aku mengenalmu sejak di kandungan ibumu” - “Aku mengetahui setiap helai rambutmu yg jatuh” - “Kujaga seperti biji mataku” - ... We’re not perfect sista, may never until maranatha or He call us home - whichever come first.

Sometime we helpless and don't know which way to take or just don’t want to take the “right” way we know. But He knows what best for us.

When you fall, never give up try to stand up again. You may loosing your energy and faith, but as footprints in the sand if we believe, He will carry us. Just Believe sister, God loves you “much more that you think He does”. I know, it is sometimes very difficult but we're never alone. Pray for me too.

BElieve, Love, Eat, Pray, wOrk ‘Till marANatha... (BELEPOTAN)

Gros Bisous, Artha

Bukan Supersetarr...

Ku bukan superstar kaya dan terkenal
Ku bukan saudagar yang punya banyak kapal
Ku bukan bangsawan, ku bukan priyayi
Ku hanyalah orang yang ingin dicintai

Haa haa haaa… Haa haa haaa…

Kamu bukan super, kamu bukan setar
Kalo digabungin kamu bukan supersetarr..
Ku bukan bangsawan, ku bukan priyayi
Ku hanyalah orang yang ingin dicintai
Haa haa haaa… Haa haa haaa

Ya ampunnn lagi2 deh Project Pop bikin gw ketawa2 sendiri di jalanan... kocak abeees...
Di lagu ini ada penyanyi2 yg lagi ngetop akhir2 ini... "ya iyalah, masa ya iya dong..."
Boleh lah dicatet buat souvenir of 2008... hahaha...  ini lirik lagu selengkapnya :

Andai aku Pasha Ungu
semua wanita kan memburuku
Bila aku Ariel Peterpan
kau yakin ngefans karena urang keren

Sexy badannya.. Mulan Jameela
cantiknya dia seperti aku
Giring Nidji sahabat aku
dekat denganku.. dialah aku..

Tapi kenyataan aku bukan siapa-siapa
kuingin engkau mencintaiku apa adanya

Ku bukan superstar kaya dan terkenal
Ku bukan saudagar yang punya banyak kapal
Ku bukan bangsawan, ku bukan priyayi
Ku hanyalah orang yang ingin dicintai

Haa haa haaa… Haa haa haaa…

Andai ku Letto wis pasti aku wong jowo
Tapi kenyataan aku bukan siapa-siapa
kuingin engkau mencintaiku apa adanya

Ku bukan superstar kaya dan terkenal
Ku bukan saudagar yang punya banyak kapal
Ku bukan bangsawan, ku bukan priyayi
Ku hanyalah orang yang ingin dicintai

Kata orang ku mirip Glenn Fredly
suara merdu, wanita jatuh hati
Namun semua itu hanya mimpi bagimu woohoo

Jadi… semua itu hanya mimpi?
Ya iya laah… masya ya iya dong
duren aja dibelah bukan dibedong

Ku bukan superstar kaya dan terkenal
Ku bukan saudagar yang punya banyak kapal
Ku bukan bangsawan, ku bukan priyayi
Ku hanyalah orang yang ingin dicintai

Kamu bukan super, kamu bukan setar
Kalo digabungin kamu bukan supersetarr..
Ku bukan bangsawan, ku bukan priyayi
Ku hanyalah orang yang ingin dicintai
Haa haa haaa… Haa haa haaa…

Kocak-kocak ya liriknya .. huehehehe 

breeze

What am I thinking today? I'm so damn tired. A good book about peaceful spaces about zen living can't take away the stress from my body.

Indeed I'm on leave, but I've got lot things to do and seems that I have to set the pace a little bit slower for others (as I normally trying to do but really! not an easy thing for me)

Yesterday I had a meeting. I ok'd a business meeting during my leave (what a surprise!), but it was worth it. I've been inspired from the meeting. I like the idea. It energized me. Can't wait to get it done.

Hmmm, long way to go.

Sure bumps are waiting along the way forward.

Resistance. "sirik"ance. and worst (hope not!) back stabbers.... but, gal' try to be ready for the worst!

I am trained to think a contingency plan. Some cases it can be very expensive, however I'm convinced that there some cases just are inevitable must have a contingency plan.

i think i will go to the dragonfly party tonight. too tired to think, just enjoy.

Now I hold my head up high

In life we must be a little nuts, otherwise it will be just a bunch of people live bored together. (Beau Borroughs' script, "Rumor has it" movie)

First I was afraid, I was petrified
I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong and I learned how to carry on

I will survive as long as I know how to love
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
I know I will stay alive

It took all the strength I had, just not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my heart
and I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry

Now I hold my head up high

Yah kalimat2 di atas adalah saduran bebas dari Lagu "I will survive" yg dipopulerkan Gloria Gaynor. Lagu itu sengaja gw pilih untuk menjadi peringatan gw untuk memulai kembali menulis di blog ini.

Blog ini penuh kenangan akan perjalanan seorang anak manusia yg berusaha mengenal dirinya. Ia mendapati banyak kekurangan, menyadari dan menerimanya dengan legowo, ihiks. Namun ia tidak mau memperbesar kekurangan tersebut, melainkan berusaha menggunakan kekuatan yg dimilikinya. Ia mencoba tertatih2... terjatuh, mencoba kembali... terjatuh. 

Selama beberapa bulan yg lalu untuk menulis pun gw tidak mau. gw memilih untuk diam dan introspeksi diri. Gw berusaha mecoba mengerti apa yg terjadi. Yg gw tahu apa yg terjadi di sekeliling gw adalah refleksi dari apa yg memang sudah digariskan dan harus terjadi sesuai dengan rencanaNya. Tapi, apa daya?

I will survive as long as I know how to love
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
I know I will stay alive

Whatever, I enjoy the life I live in!

Sultan Yogya

nonton wawancara versi lengkap andy dengan sultan. ademmmmm

Akhirnya

Minggu ini pertama kalinya gw ke Balikpapan dalam tahun ini... hmm, cukup lama ya :-)
dan gw nikmatin banget hi-speed internet hotel bluesky nih, buktinya blogspot bisa cepet banget, sesuatu yg akhir2 ini gak bisa gw lakukan di Jakarta :=(

Sambil browsing gw denger PM Jepang, Abe, PM yg pernah ngomong,"Wanita hanyalah alat untuk melahirkan anak" itu mengundurkan diri...
apa artinya?
- bursa Jepang langsung drop
- gimana yah pembukaan jsx besok?
- terus kabar EPA dengan Indonesia gimana yah

huahahaha... kejauhan neng, akhirnya bisa online aja udah seneng....

Gempa! Gempa!

Tuuh kan terjadi jg gempa yg pernah gw bayangin bisa saja terjadi saat gw di apartemen. Kemarin siang baru aja gw "menikmati" senangnya Jakarta saat kota ini lebih sepi dari biasanya. Kesenangan itu tidak bisa bertahan walau satu hari saja. Tengah malam terjadi gempa, dan gw di lantai 15!

Sebenarnya lebih tepat gw bilang kalo awalnya gw gak ngeh ada gempa. Kira2 lewat tengah malam mesin cuci gw tepat at the last cycle yaitu spinning untuk proses pengeringan terakhir. Pas gw berasa ada yg goyang, gw sempat berpikir "ah gak biasanya masa iya sih mesin cuci menggetarkan segitunya. apa rusak yah?"... sempet ga enak juga kalau2 mengganggu tetangga tengah malam dengan getaran tersebut. Seraya menuju mesin cuci gw berasa agak limbung (kelelengan gitu) lalu terlintaslah, "ah gw mungkin kecapean aja hari ini pan pilkada di bawah terik matahari lalu disambung jalan2 lagi naek busway ke BlokM demi nostalgia SMA. Gw jg teringat cerita nyokap gw tentang gejala vertigo yg tahun lalu sempat dialaminya. Gw lantas berpegangan meja dan sepersekian detik secara instan timbul pikiran "wah ini gempa", tapi gw tepis pikiran itu "ah gw lagi nonton TV dan gak ada peringatan BMG - duuuh, kog gw masih ngarep diperingatin yah?!" ternyata kadar kesadaran gw menurun nih kayaknya.

Ternyata kepusingan sesaat yg gw rasa itu beneran efek gempa. Gw bener2 yakin setelah melongok ke podium bawah mendengar ada keributan dari luar jendela. Rupanya orang2 sudah turun hanya dengan pakaian tidurnya. Lalu gw berpikir, "jadi mesti goyang tadi tuh gempa bukan gw vertigo... horeee (lho?!)". Bergegas gw matiin gas dan saklar pusat, ngambil jaket, HP dan dompet, lalu menuju tangga darurat - saat ini goncangan itu dah gak ada. Di tangga darurat gw bergabung dengan para ayah dan ibu2 yg turun dengan pakaian tidurnya seraya kebanyakan diantaranya menggendong anaknya. Barulah gw sadar 100% kalau perasaan getaran tadi mesti gempa. Dasar!

Begitu gw sampai bawah sudah banyak orang berkumpul dan gw jadi tahu kalau memang ada genpa di Indramayu, dan efeknya meluas bahkan sampai Yogya dan Bengkulu (bisa ketebak kan di ring of fire). Seru juga sih di bawah terjadi perkenalan2. Ada cerita2 dari mereka yg mengalami gempa di Yogya, ada yg dengan semangat berbagi cerita detik2 menjelang gempa, ada yg katanya TVnya goyang (wah the fact bahwa TV gw stay still boleh juga yak, nah lho!!). Ada jg yg ketiduran dan kebangun gara2 denger ribut2, mau marah eh ternyata gempa. Sayangnya lokal TV tidak segera memberikan berita agak lebih lengkap dengan cepat, malahan CNN nun jauh di sana menyiarkan berita tersebut dengan coverage hampir 1 jam... beauty of globalization but a stomach cramp for local coverage :-(

Pagi ini gw jadinya kurang tidur tapi selamat2 aja. Thanks God, lagi2 ada kesempatan menikmati hidup. Inilah gempa kedua yg gw alamin saat di high rise building setelah yg pertama di Sentra Mulia Lt.18 beberapa tahun yl, dan hampir pasti bakal bukan yg terakhir. Yg gw inget pasti waktu gw di Lampung dan terjadi gempa, walau katanya lukisan2 sang empunya rumah berjatuhan toh gw tetep tidur dan selamat jg, bukan takabur tapi kepasrahan saja bahwa yah beginilah resiko hidup di tempat yg gak stabil. Terkadang menyenangkan (lho kapan? tadi siang), tapi lebih seringnya sih unpredictable. God bless Indonesia.

Election Day

Hari ini gw menikmati menggunakan hak untuk memilih sendiri gubernur untuk kota gw tercinta ini. Sayangnya kenikmatan tersebut gw gunakan bukan untuk memilih seseorang yg gw yakini betul akan membawa perubahan secara lebih baik, tapi ya memang memilih a better one than the worst...

Lho, maksudnya? iya, seperti juga dalam hidup "ga bisa ndapetin yg baik mulu", "ga bisa selalu ndapetin yg kita mau", jadi dalam beberapa kasus ya memang harus memilih yg terbaik dari skenario terburuk... duh, sedihnya...

Tapi yah gw gunakan hak gw sebagai warga ibukota tersebut semata2 dengan maksud kalau saja pilihan gw menjadi gubernur terpilih nantinya, gw akan punya hak untuk menuntutnya menggenapi janji2nya... toh, gw sendiri juga berusaha memenuhi kewajiban gw kog Pak. Gw gak golput dengan alasan tersebut, kalau gw golput gw gak akan punya hak menuntut janji2 tersebut. Walau sering janji tinggal janji, tapi gw tetep gunakan hak gw... hayo, penuhi yo janji2nya.

Dan setelah selesai pilkada, gw jalan2 dengan busway .. duh menyenangkannya kota Jakarta saat sepi begini. Memang sih gak terlalu sepi tapi pas lah, ada kedinamisan tapi tanpa macet! What a wonderful election day.

bourne

ya ampun, apa bakal di remake lagi deh novel Ludlum by someone else tentang Borne :-)
taunya ntar abis Bourne ultimate, ada Bourne super ultimate, Bourne xxx

wuih emangnya die hard, udah tua pun Bruce Willis teteeep aja die hard... hehehe - udah gak semenarik dulu ah waktu BW masih muda (maksudnya?)

late news doesn't hurt

Sejak hr minggu gw pengen posting tentang indonesian idol tapi blogger kog susah banget yah gw buka. Selamat ya Rini, menurut gw yah lo pantas lah menang kontes nyanyi, keep up that victory for your best.

Rasanya 'ngepas' banget deh pas nonton result shownya Indonesian Idol eh ada lagunya Odie Agam yg sesuai tema puisi gw yg 'penuh dengan saduran' yg gw tulis beberapa hari yl, tapi kalo yg ini sich kalo didengerin, terus dibayangin yg nyanyi dua orang yg lagi kasmaran bisa terasa deh arti bahasa cintanya :-)

pas denger lagunya... duh, so out to date deh, tapi dinyanyiin Harvey-Vina jadi enak banget deh didenger, kaya'nya subyektif banget deh pendapat gw tentang Harvey (emang!), tapi buat gw rasanya liquid banget deh mereka kemaren itu...

rindunya hatiku
ingin ku bertemu
dengan dambaan hatiku

kita pun berjanji
berjumpa malam ini
daku tak sabar lagi menanti

tapi bila kita bertatapan
seolah ucapan seakan
kini tak perlu lagi

kita bicara dalam bahasa cinta
tanpa suara tanpa sepatah kata
pelukan asmara mengungkapkan semua
tanpa suara tanpa kata kata

*lyrics song 'Bahasa Cinta' cipt.Odie Agam*

ini nih karaoke-annya versi penyanyi aslinya VinaPanduwinata - BroeryMarantika ... enjoy

Launching MBA

Hr ini gw sudah memutuskan sesuatu yg baru dalam hidup gw. Mulai besok gw akan memulai perjalanan adventurir yg baru. Memang tujuan konkrit di depan masih belum terlalu jelas, tapi yg pasti (semoga) ke arah yg lebih baik.

God, I beg your blessing, your encouragement as usual, your present, and wish me luck and specially willingness to learn (hard) and...
banyak banget permintaannya yak :-)

kala hati bicara

saat ada cinta
cukup berpandangan mata
tak perlu ucap kata
karna hati bicara

saat cinta mulai tertelan
tak cukup berbicara pelan
perlu ucap keras dan menyakitkan
karna hati tak lagi ada peran

dimana cinta saat diputuskannya mengakhiri hidup
dimana cinta saat tak ada lagi semangat untuk hidup
tak mungkin cinta dapat dicari dalam hidup
tanpa memaknai dan menikmati hidup